


Nearly Witches

by FandomLoverAngel



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben is still a ghost, Don't copy to another site, How Do I Tag, I love them with all my heart - Freeform, I will add more tags as I go, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Implied Mpreg, Luther is still mean-ish, My First Work in This Fandom, Other, Post Mpreg, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, The twins are awesome, Work In Progress, and love their cennend, even though they're my own creation, his kids are adorable
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-01-12 08:39:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18442970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomLoverAngel/pseuds/FandomLoverAngel
Summary: Klaus has a secret. When he left at 18, he stayed away and cut ties for a good reason. During this time, he also quit drugs for about a year. Getting pregananant (TM) will do that to ya.Now, fast-forwarding 10 years later, the apocalypse has been averted, and the family, minus him and Ben, has collectively decided to move in together. So now, the question is, how does he explain his kids to his family? And, even more important, how does he explain his family to his kids?(Be prepared for silly superpowered shenanigans. You have been warned.)





	1. My wing tips waltz across naive wood floors

Klaus sighed, glad that Allison had had the right of mind to shove the boys away from Vanya before they tackled her. It was going to be the end of the world, and he hadn’t been able to get away for long enough to say goodbye and to pick up his twins from the babysitter that he had hired with the little money he had. As soon as he saw the news about dear ol’ Reggie dear kicking the bucket, he got out of the hospital as soon as he could, so he could go get the twins set up for the next few days.

With all of the… _charming_ stories he would tell them of their Aunts and Uncles, it didn’t mean that he wanted them to actually meet them. They were both turning 10 in July, born almost exactly 9 months after his 18th birthday, on which he had lots of rowdy and kinky sex, as a big ol’ **FUCK YOU** to his dear ol’ daddio. As soon as he found out he was pregnant, he quit the drugs and dicking around, as he didn't have enough money for an abortion, and since male pregnancies were so uncommon, he didn’t think to check until he started noticing the signs.

At first, he had chalked it up to whatever drugs he had just taken, assuming they just didn’t mix well, but as it persisted, he went to a pro bono clinic to get it checked out. And so, _Voila!_ He was pregnant. After nine painful and lonely months of pregnancy, he gave birth _without_ painkillers, since they wouldn’t work with his intolerance to drugs, to a beautiful set of fraternal twins.

Their names were Finn and Lena, staying true to his mostly unknown heritage. After that, they were his pride and joy. As they got older, he made sure that they understood that they shouldn’t do drugs, even if he did them. They knew why, and agreed. Their abilities, though varied and ranging, are not really the kinds that you would need to block out, and it’s better to learn to control them instead of relying on drugs. (P.S. It’s my own personal headcanon that the ONS was someone who could have limited use of anyone’s skills or abilities that they touch. It wouldn’t disappear ever, it would just stay limited.)

When they were younger, they only had one obvious ability each, but as they grew older, more and more abilities were being presented. Klaus secretly hopes that they don’t get too many more, as it will be even harder to deal with the public if the media somehow finds out. It’s one of the reasons why he was and is hesitant to introduce them to his siblings, not including Ben, and Allison in specific. However, the family, minus Klaus and Ben, as they knew about Lena and Finn, voted to all live in the house together again to get to know each other so there are no secrets. Unfortunately, this includes Klaus and (unknowing to them) his kids. 

Which means that he has to figure out both how to explain it to them and his family, to the kids: why they have to move, where they are moving, who they are moving with, and to the rest of the house: why he needs another room, why he has kids, why he didn’t tell them, since when did he have money for kids, and when did he even get kids, which ties into the second question. Lovely. Well, easiest place first: The kids.


	2. They creak innocently down the stairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena and Finn are told of the new living arrangements and learn what went on while their dad/cennend was gone at the funeral.

“Honey One and Honey Two, I’m hoooome!” Klaus swings around the door frame of his cheap apartment to see Finn and Lena come barrelling towards him, the babysitter following behind at a much slower pace.

“Cenn!”

“Cennend!” (thank you genderqueeries.tumblr.com)

He staggers, smiling as his children embrace him. Bending over, he picks them up under each arm, pretending to start falling over under their weight, causing them to erupt into giggles. Klaus turns, still smiling as the babysitter, Ashton, walks over to give him the rundown of the last week. “So, they have been behaving as much as they usually do, which is very well, until they decide to get into mischief-”

“As you do.”

Ash laughs, shaking their head. “Yes, as you do. They didn’t have any fights, they listened and did as they were told, and they practiced with some of their levitation ability together, and Finn worked on his mind reading and Lena worked on her illusion work individually, but in the same room, as per your request.”

He nods once. “Lovely. Come again soon? You know how they love having you over…”

“I know.” They walk over to the door and pick up their suitcase, pausing a moment before opening the door. “However, as much as I, myself, love it here, I’d rather not come over, since it would mean that you’re in rehab again, or that there’s another family emergency.”

“Maybe if you have time, you could just come over to hang out? If that’s okay?”

“Sure! Well, I have to go, but I guess I’ll see you soon. Text me so we can work it out, ‘kay?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah, that’s cool. That’s completely a-okay. Will do. Byeee~” Klaus shuts the door gently behind them, flopping back against it once it’s shut, blowing out. Finn and Lena look at each other, Finn nodding once at what she is planning.

“So… _Cennend…_ ” Lena starts creeping forward, hands clasped behind her back, face schooled to complete innocence. “How exactly do you _feel_ about Ashton, hmm?”

He looks at her, confused to no end. “What do you mean? I mean, they’ve been nice enough to take care of you guys since you were born, so I guess I’m grateful towards them for that, and they’re nice company.”

Now, Finn steps forward. “What she means to ask, is: Are your feelings to them more than a friend?”

“ _Finn! That was_ way _more blunt than necessary! We are_ trying _to be_ subtle _!_ ”

Klaus, to his credit, takes it in stride. “I mean, once I may have liked them like that, and maybe sometime in the _very_ distant future I will again, but I have gone through enough in the past week to have a _completely_ different outlook on life and the future.”

Finn looks confused, and a little bit constipated as he tries to read his cennend's mind. “What do you mean?”

Klaus quickly attempts to shield his thoughts from his 10-year-old son. “I will explain, but you have to promise me that you won’t try to look at my mind while I tell you about it, okay? There are somethings that I don’t think you are old enough to see.”

Finn nods, suddenly serious. “Okay. Is it worse than the drugs?”

He pauses, thinking it over. “Yes and no. It’s so, so much better than the drugs, yet so, _so, **so**_ much worse.”

Klaus directs them over to sit on the couch on either side of him. “I’m going to tell you the story of an idiot who stole something he shouldn’t have, fought a in war he shouldn’t have had to fight in, fell into deep, true, love, then had his lover die in his arms before being brutally torn away without saying goodbye, blood still on his hands, then stopped the Apocalypse. This is the story of how I was kidnapped, stole a time travelling case, and fought in the Vietnam War.”

~#~#~#~

“...And then Aunt Ali dropped the gun and hugged Auntie Vanya, mouthing that she was sorry to her, over and over again. Uncle Five did some weird time travel stuff, reversed the damage to Aunt Ali’s throat, stopped Auntie Vanya from killing Harold Jenkins, and Auntie Vanya had her concert like normal, with no Apocalypse, with all of her siblings plus Pogo and Grace-slash-mom-slash-Grandma sitting in the audience. The End.” He sits back, relaxing, before quickly sitting up again. “Oh, yeah, and we’re moving to Cennend’s old house for an indefinite period of time.”

Both twins do a double take, staring at him. In sync, they speak. “Wait, what?!”

They start talking over each other, each getting louder in order to be heard.

“We're moving?”  
“Since when?”  
“Why are we moving?”  
“You leave for a week and now we're moving?”  
“I like our apartment!”  
“What about Ashton?!”  
I don't wanna move!”

He brings up his hands in an attempt at a calming motion, lowering them when his children quieted. “Now, now. Listen to me for a second, okay? I love this place _[Lena: And Ash.]_ just as much as you do, right? So, even though we’ll be moving out of here for a while, we can still come back here and chill out when my crazy siblings drive us up the wall, alright? I’ll still own the apartment, and Maisie will come and check on it every now and then, so we know our stuff isn’t gone, okay? It wasn’t my decision to make, it was the family’s, and they decided to include all of us for once, even Uncle Ben.”

They both sigh. “Alright.” “Okay.”

Klaus slaps his knees. “Well! That was definitely the easier of the two conversations, what do you think?”

At this he turns to the side, and even though they can’t see him, Finn and Lena both know he was talking to Ben. Klaus suddenly starts pouting, crossing his arms over his chest and making exaggerated noises to go along with it. The twins grab him, shaking him back and forth, causing him to laugh and drop his act. “What is it?” “What’d he say?” “What’s going on?”

Klaus mumbles.

The twins start giggling. “ _Cenn…_ c’mon, we can’t hear you, what’d Uncle Ben say~?”

“He said that was an understatement, and that since this conversation went so well, I’m probably going to screw up the next one.”

Finn sits back. “I mean, he’s probably right, considering your luck, Cennend.”

Lena nods a few times. “Yeah, I agree. You are going to mess up. Big time. And it’s probably going to involve us.”

Klaus waves them off, heat rising to his face. “Oh, go pack some bags with your stuff.”

As they race down the hall, more than a little excited, even if they won’t admit it, he shouts after them. “And don’t forget toiletries!”

As they giggle and Lena runs a bit faster than normal to get to her favorite bag first, the same thought runs through their heads. _‘I can’t wait to see Cenn’s old house!’_


	3. Drag melody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bags are packed and the beginning of the shenanigans ensue. Ben is done with Klaus and so is the cabbie. Finn and Lena are ready to kick some ass!  
> ...  
> ......  
> .........
> 
> ............err..... butt. They are ready to kick some butt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has commented and given kudos and bookmarked and read it! I didn't think it would, but it gives me soo much inspiration and motivation! I hope you lovely humans continue to enjoy! Feel free to ask me any questions or offer suggestions! I'm so glad that you all love this story and it's characters as much as I do!

Klaus sighs, checking Finn and Lena’s bags one last time, still worried that one or both or all three of them are forgetting something. The twins sneak looks at each other, snickering. “Cennend?”

“Yes, lovie?”

“Where’s _your_ bag?”

Klaus stops, realizing how much of an idiot he was. “Oh Sh-” He stops and looks at the kids. “...ugary cheesy chocolate truffles, I didn’t pack one. I’ll be right back. Ben, you’re in charge.”

Ben, to his credit, manages not to facepalm. “Klaus, I’m a _ghost_! What the hell am _I_ supposed to do?!”

Klaus, faintly: Language!  
Ben, exasperated: They can’t see _or_ hear me!  
Klaus, sprinting across the hall: It’s the thought that counts, Benny-Boi~!

Ben and the twins stand there, watching Klaus run all around through the apartment, grabbing various random items of clothing and a wide variety of objects and stuffing them into a black duffle bag with skulls on it that he picked up at a mall once because it made Finn and Lena laugh at the irony (not the word I want, but you know what I mean). First, he runs into his bedroom, grabbing some of his of-course-it’s-stylish-Ben- _i’m_ -wearing-it outfits and clothes, as well as his makeup box, because he totally has one, before turning and running in and out of their shared bathroom while carrying a mixture of toiletries back and forth. Next, he grabs the 9 study notebooks off the shelf, three for each of them, one on their own powers, one for their twin’s powers, and one for their combined powers, so they can all be on the same page. Last, but not least, he grabs every single box of snacks, non-perishable food, fruits, veggies and drinks that he can find to go in their “I’m Hungry” box.* 

Finally, it seems like he’s done, as he comes sauntering up to them carrying two bags. Ben levels him with an unamused stare. “You done turning us into Anime characters yet?”

Klaus blinks, then wiggles his eyebrows. “You’d know _allll_ about that, wouldn’t you, brother dear?”

Finn and Lena sit there, confused by the one-sided conversation going on over their heads. Ben sighs, again. “Can we just leave now? I’d like to get the horrible conversation over with already.”

Klaus tilts his head back and forth, pretending to think about it. “...mmm… fine, fine, fine, lets go get a taxi already. Now that we won’t be living within walking distance of everything anymore, I’m thinking that Cennend _might_ need to learn how to drive soon.”

Cheers go up from Ben and the kids, glad that they won’t have to walk anywhere for much longer. Klaus stops halfway through the door, realising what he had forgotten to tell them. “Oh, yeah! And, while we walk, I can tell you about how I made Uncle Ben solid enough to punch the drugs out of my face, _and_ take down, like, twenty bad guys with his hentai Bentacles.”

The door shuts behind them, and if one were to pass them walking, they would hear some strange snippets of a conversation. “Wait, there’s more?” “What’s a hen tie?” “Is it a tie for chickens?” “ _OhmygodKlauswhywouldyoucallthemthattoyourtenyearoldchildren?!?!_ ”

~#~#~#~

They pile out onto the sidewalk, bags and all, as Klaus turns and bends down to the front window of the cab. He pulls out money that you don’t want to know how he got (He pickpocketed the cabbie. Ben: SMH :l ), and shoves it at the cabbie, who quickly counts it, before he drives off at unsafe speeds to get away from the weird-ass kids who have a (dad? mom?) parent that casually talks to thin air in front of them. Man, people in New York are _crazy_.** 

Klaus turns around, straightening up and slinging one of the bags over his shoulder and carrying the other one. He squats down again to be on eye level with his kids. “Now, when we go in, I’m going to have to ask you two to stay behind me, and maybe even just outside the door, with Uncle Ben, okay? Uncle Luther and your other Aunts and Uncles might not react well to you guys, alright? I just want to make sure that your safe, my lovelies.”

Finn and Lena shift their faces into relatively neutral and serious expressions. Finn clears his throat, “What do you think will happen?”

Klaus shrugs. “I really don’t know. But if Uncle Luther gets mad at me like he did before, I don’t want you two to be in danger, got it?”

They both nod. “Got it. Can we use our abilities if he does attack you, though? Or what if they attack us? _Then_ can we use them?”

He sighs, looking up at the ceiling, praying to the ethnically-ambiguous-little-girl-on-a-bike above to give him strength. “ **IF**! And **ONLY** if, they attack you first. I can handle myself, and I know that some of my siblings will at least attempt to stop him if worse comes to worse, okay? Now, let’s head inside.”

The twins pick up their bags and follow him close behind as he ascends the stairs up to the front door. He turns to them one last time. “Okay. Final run down, because I’m paranoid. You are my world. I want you safe. What are we doing? Give me each step one at a time. Ready? Go.”

Finn: You go in.  
Lena: We wait outside the door  
Finn: Or just inside the house  
Lena: Staying behind you with  
Finn: Uncle Ben so that we’re  
Lena: safe and so we can leave if  
Finn: It becomes too dangerous.  
Lena: However,  
Finn: If one of them attacks you  
Lena: Or us  
Finn: We can use our abilities.  
Lena and Finn: and kick their butts!

Klaus sighs, resting his face in his hand. “You know what? That’s fine. Let’s just get this disaster over with.”

They both cheer and high five as their Cennend opens the door. He sighs one last time before stepping in. “Let the chaos begin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *(My mom had one for me when I was young, so I wouldn’t wake them up when I was hungry at night. Five Stars, 10/10.)
> 
> **(It’s my headcanon that TUA takes place, at least the show version, in New York, and Klaus and the kids live just outside so that their family won’t find them and so that the price for buying the apartment wouldn’t be insane for someone with two kids who doesn’t work much. Maisie took pity on him being a single father, and gave him longer than usual to pay it off.)


	4. My percussive feet serve cobweb headaches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus is called a liar, Finn and Lena get pissed, and Ben is still just as done with the group of idiots as he was last chapter, if not more.

Klaus shuffles forward a few feet, registering the door shutting behind him as his children step inside along with Ben. ‘ _I need to keep my energy up so I can make him corporeal if necessary to get them out._ ’

Keeping that thought in mind, he calls out into the open house, motioning for the twins to stay against the wall, Lena shutting her eyes to concentrate on bringing up shadows to cover her as Finn closes his own eyes to try to use one of his own abilities to become at least semi-transparent.* “Oh, hello~! My dear, dear _siblings~_! I’m _Hooooooommme~_! I need to _talk_ to _you~_!”

(BTW, I can’t keep the Hargreeves’ house layout consistent to save my life, so it’s gonna be a bit mixed around for my own writing convenience.)  
Five walks in from the kitchen holding a mug of coffee, “The others are coming. They’re just slow.”

Klaus leans back. “But- you just… walked… here? You were... just as slow... as... everyone else? What?”

He turns his head to the side, hearing the twins giggle quietly at his reaction. “I’m so confused…”

He quickly whips his full body back around to the other side standing in front of Ben with his hands on his hips. “How dare you laugh at my confusion! Fin-ive~! Ben’s being mean~!”

Five tips his coffee towards the open air in front of Klaus. “Good on him. Call me back in when everyone else gets down here.”

He starts to move into the living room, stopping halfway to the doorway when he hears the obnoxiously loud footsteps of Luther, heels of Allison, and soft steps of Vanya. Diego’s batman so he doesn’t have footsteps. He is the night. (I had to.) He sighs, looking at Klaus. “You better have a good reason for making me deal with them before dinner.”

Klaus waves him off. “Oh, I do, I do, don’t worry.”

Ben: Like that’s going to help. He’s probably panicking now.

Luther is the first one down and he walks to the side to attempt to help Allison off of the steps, but she brushes his hand away and moves to the other side of the room by Five. Vanya quickly and quietly follows her, and Diego, surprisingly, moves to stand beside Luther, calmly and rhythmically flipping one of his knives in his hand over and over. Klaus hears one of the twins gulp, and sees Ben moving behind him to stand in front of them out of the corner of his eye.

“So!” He claps his hands together, rubbing them. “I’m sure that you all are wondering why I have called you all here today?”

Luther sighs, shifting forward slightly. “Klaus, stop messing around. Just get on with it. I have things to do.”

Only Five and Diego notice how Klaus shifts backwards and to the right a bit when Luther moves forward towards him. “Well, you see: ya know how we’re all moving in together to become a great big happy family with less emotional problems?”

Diego nods. “Yeah, what about it?”  
Klaus looks down, fiddling with his hands, quickly glancing up towards Allison and back down. “Well, you also know how Allison will be having little Claire coming to visit occasionally?”

Allison looks at him, narrowing her eyes. “Yeah… why is that important? What do you want with Claire?”** 

He looks up suddenly, backing up a bit and waving his hands a bit frantically, “Oh! No, no, no, you misunderstand, I don’t want anything with Claire. I just want to know what you alls opinion is on kids. Particularly kids in this house.”

Five scoffs. “Obviously they’re okay with it. Allison’s daughter will be visiting at some point. I’m impartial. Get to the point.”

Klaus clears his throat, rubbing at the back of his neck. Diego holds up his hand. “Wait. What is up with you? You’re really twitchy, and you won’t meet anyone’s- Wait a second. You’re high again, aren’t you?”

“What?! No! No. Of course not.” He hears one of the twins start to creep forward, probably Finn, since he’s mostly invisible by now. Quickly, he drops his hand from his neck and motions for him to step back again. The near silent footsteps stop. Allison and Five notice his hand moving, and follow the motion back to the wall, both sets of eyes widening as they realise what’s going on.*** “I’ve been clean since the Apocalypse as averted. No, I have something more important to talk about.”

“How would you feel about my kids living with us?” He trails off on the end, not meeting anyone’s eyes.

Diego steps forward and tilts his head, causing Klaus’ arms to twitch and step back a little bit more. “What was that?”

Klaus clears his throat. “I said: How would you guys, the people of this house, feel about my biological children living with us full time?”

Luther scoffs, Vanya remaining silent, thinking. “ _You?_ Having _kids_? You’re high, Klaus. This was a waste of time.”

He turns to leave, but Vanya speaks up. “Klaus? Are you telling the truth?”

He nods emphatically. “Yes! Yes, I am telling the truth. Thank you, Vanya, you wonderful sister, you!”

Luther turns to Vanya, along with Diego. “Vanya, he’s obviously high, and pulling our leg. I mean, look at him!”

Diego nods, shaking his head. “I hate to agree with Luther, but he’s right. He can’t be telling the truth.”

Vanya opens her mouth to reply, but they all stop, ears picking up the sound of fast, heavy, breathing. Diego starts to turn towards Klaus. “What the Hell is th-”

Lena launches herself forward, shedding the shadows, as she uses her speed to jump-tackle Diego, pulling at his face and hitting him, Finn following behind at a normal speed before jumping and levitating to the top of Luther, landing on his shoulders, pulling at his ears.

Lena: DON’T  
Finn: CALL  
Lena: OUR  
Finn: CENN  
Lena: END  
Finn: A  
Lena and Finn: LIAR!!!

Klaus stumbles back, startled, as Lena starts yanking at Diegos harness, trying to get it off, since she knows what he can do. Finn, to his credit, manages to stay on Luthers shoulders as he waves his arms, trying to hit him. Klaus shrugs, looks at Ben, who is motioning for him to stop, and charges in himself, bypassing Lena and Diego on the floor, launching himself at Luther, joining Finn in terrorizing him. Five, Vanya, and Allison just stare for a few seconds before Five sighs and hands his coffee to Vanya, rubbing his hands together before jumping repeatedly, filling the area of conflict with multiple flashes of blue light.

As the dust settles, Klaus is seen by the door again, Luther and Diego where they were originally by the stairs, and the twins standing with Five in the middle, who has one hand on each of their shoulders. Once Klaus sees this, he starts forward again, only to remember last second that Five is a _trained killer_ , who could kill his kids in seconds, and Klaus would be unable to stop him. Five clears his throat. “Okay. This could have gone better on both sides of the conflict.”

At this, he turns to glare at Luther and Diego, then Klaus in turn. “First, Luther? Diego? Don’t just accuse someone of being a liar, especially if you don’t have the full story. Klaus? Next time, just spit it out, okay? So this doesn’t happen again and your kids don’t attack us. That would be preferable.” 

He turns Lena and Finn towards him, kneeling down. “As for you two, do try not to attack people every single time you get upset, for multiple reasons. One: you might not want to expose yourself if you’re hidden, two: you don’t know if they have skills that you don’t know of, three: you could be putting other people in danger, and four: you might not know the full story. Okay?”

They both nod. “Okay. Can we go back to Cennend now?”

Five pauses, trying to place the word. “Yes, you can go back to… cennend… now.”

At this, the two children turn and slip out of Five’s hands, running back towards Klaus. “Cenn!” “Cenn!” “Did you see that?” “That was so _cool_!” “I went _zoom_!” “And then I went up and started hitting him!” “And I started pulling on his knife thing!” “And I ducked his hands!” “Since I know you told us about his powers!” “And he didn’t get me once!”

Klaus just kneels down, pulling them into his arms. “Tha-that’s great. Just, uh, just don’t do it again without telling me first, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt, alright? You are my world.”

They both smile into his shoulders. “And you are ours.”

Allison clears her throat, interrupting the moment. “So, Klaus, would you mind explaining to the rest of us what that was all about? And how they did those things?”

Klaus stops, opening his eyes. One thought runs through his head. ‘ _Oh, shit!_!’

Finn: That’s not a nice word, Cennend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *(As of right now, you all know that they both can levitate a little bit, Finn can read minds and become partially see-through if he concentrates, and Lena can control shadows and create illusions to a small extent, concentration being a big thing as they _are_ ten year old children. All of their abilities are mostly on the defensive side of the spectrum.)
> 
> **(Yes, I decided that she can talk. Deal with it. _sunglasses slide down_ )
> 
> ***(They are kids, and don’t have complete control yet, so it would make sense if the strength of their illusions/abilities waver.)


	5. As a matching set of marching clocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Questions are answered, and Ben is a protective Uncle. Klaus fucks with his siblings on purpose and spills the tea about Ol' Reggie Dear(TM).

Sighing, Klaus straightens up, placing one last kiss on each child’s head, gently moving them slightly behind him. “What do you want to know?”

Luther blinks at him, shaking his head once. “Wait, those are actually your kids?”

He turns to look at the rest of his siblings. “Those are actually his kids? Wha-but how?”

Klaus clears his throat. “Well, you see Luther, dear, when two men love each other very much-”

Allison stops him. “ _Klaus._ Please be serious.”

He stares at her in mock horror. “ _What?_ You mean to tell me that you don’t think that I’m being _serious_?”

Lena and Finn hide their giggles into his skirt, causing Klaus to break the act for a second and smile. “I am _so_ hurt that you would think this of me! Because I am. Being serious that is.”

He pats the kids head and squats back down to their level. “Hey, Honey-loves? Would you mind going with Uncle Ben on a tour of the house while Cennend has a boring adult chat with your Aunts and Uncles? You can leave your stuff here, we’ll grab it later, okay?”

They both nod, but Lena pipes up, confused. “Wait, but we can’t _see_ Uncle Ben, Cenn. He’s dead, remember?”

Klaus can see Diego facepalming, and can hear Ben laughing his ass off. “Yes, I remember that Uncle Ben is dead. But I made him solid for a bit last week, remember? I told you about that earlier.”

Both children let out a little cheer. “Yay! We can meet Uncle Ben!”

Klaus stands up once more and clenches his fists in front of him, squeezing his eyes shut in concentration. Slowly, but surely, his hands start to glow blue, and the children turn to the side to watch as their closest Uncle’s form starts to bleed into the living world. As his hands stop glowing, Klaus turns to the side to see Ben standing beside them, looking at his hands. Klaus starts to ask him on his living state, but is interrupted as twin squeals erupt from his offspring as they charge at Ben, quickly being swept up into a hug by their Uncle. “Uncle Ben!” “It’s Uncle Ben!”

Ben nods to Klaus, and walks out of the room, still carrying his niece and nephew. Klaus turns to look at the rest of his siblings to continue the conversation, only to find them staring after Ben and the twins in a mixture of disbelief and shock. He laughs a bit, rubbing the back of his neck. “Oh, yeah, I’ve been working on making Ben solid more and more often, and for longer. Sorry, I guess it slipped my mind to tell you.”

Diego just shake his head. “What _else_ have you neglected to tell us, then? Any _other_ big reveals?”

Klaus bounces on his feet, “Nope! None that I can think of! Now, let the interrogations, begin! Allison, you first. And only ask one question at a time. Got it? Good. Go!”

Allison asks her question first, since she had already asked one once. “Are those your kids? Biologically?”

He nods. “Yup. On our 18th birthday, when I left, I went out and got drunk and high, then had lots of sex. I think I know who the father is, since he is the only one who had any sort of ability, as you saw they inherited.”

Luther goes next. “Wait, what do you mean you think you know who the father is? Aren’t you the father?”

“Oh, _no_ , brother dear, I’m the birthgiver, which technically makes me their mother! It’s called male pregnancy. It’s very rare, so I wasn’t prepared for that possibility at the tender young age of 18. I hadn’t even heard of it until 2 months later, when I went to the doctor because I felt something moving. I had just thought that the sickness and the weight gain was from some sort of drug I had taken. Turns out, I was pregnant! I decided to keep it since I didn’t have the money for a regular abortion, nevermind a _male_ abortion.”

Diego crosses his arms, running his tongue over his teeth in thought. “So you actually gave birth? Like actually?”

Klaus nods slowly, acting like Diego’s an idiot. “Yes, brother dear… that’s how pregnancies work… don’t you know?”

“Huh.” Diego scoffs. “I mean, I’d heard of it, but I wasn’t sure if it was real, or just something people had made up for shits and giggles.”

“Well, it most certainly is real, and it gave me two wonderful children.”

Vanya clears her throat quietly. “Yes, Vanya, dear?”

“Did, uh,” She clears her throat again, this time talking a bit louder. “Did you say that they have abilities?”

Klaus smiles, and nods at her. “Yes, they have abilities. As far as we can tell right now, they both can levitate to a certain extent, and can both see amazingly well in the dark. Finn can turn invisible, read minds, and detect lies, and Lena can control shadows, move at a faster speed, and has enhanced memory and learning abilities. We think that they may have more abilities, but those are still to be discovered. The dad had a special skill like us.”

“We?” This comes from Five.

“Yes, we.” He gestures in the direction Ben and the twins left. “Ben, Lena, Finn and I have been writing down, practicing, and learning about each other’s abilities since the twins were born. Now that I’m clean, we will also be exploring my own abilities.”

He sees the worry on his siblings faces. “Oh, no! Don’t worry, our practicing is nothing like Ol’ Reggie Dear’s. We each study independently, but still in the same room, on our own powers, which allows questions to be asked and answered, and then the twins work on their own combined abilities, and then we work on levitation, which seems to be the only ability that we all three have in common. We take breaks every 15-30 minutes, and if it seems like we aren’t making much progress that day, we put it to rest until the next practice and learning session. They don’t go to normal school, but they do go to the park to play with other kids with Ashton, occasionally accompanied by myself, when they come over to mind them.”

Allison pauses at the unfamiliar name. “Who’s Ashton?”

Klaus smiles a bit. “Ashton is this lovely young person who was willing to watch the twins while I was in and out of rehab. They’ve been helping me take care of Finn and Lena since they were born. They’re two years younger than us.”

Luther, somehow, manages to cross his arms over his chest. “And _why_ , exactly, were we not told of this years ago?”

Klaus mouth stretches wider, smile going predatory. “And what, _Mein Bruder_ , do you think would have happened if I had told _any of you_ , that I had children with abilities, while dear old dad was still alive and kicking hard? Hmm? What would happen?”

He pretends to think before turning to yell at them. “HE WOULD HAVE TESTED THEM! DONE WHAT HE DID TO ME, TO _ALL OF US_! HE WOULD HAVE PUSHED THEM UNTIL THEY COULDN’T GO ANY LONGER, THEN PUSHED THEM MORE!”

He stops suddenly, realising that if he stays loud, that the conversation would be overheard by the twins, no matter how big the house was. “They are my children, they are my _world_. As soon as I held them in my arms the first time, I chose to keep them safe for as long as I’m around. I vowed to _never_ allow our father to get his sticky hands on them. And I succeeded. I kept them away from the entire family for almost 10 years. Until now.”

“If we are going to all be living here, then my kids are living with me. If something happens, I can still take them out of the house back to the apartment until it’s okay to come home. I’m sure mom wouldn’t mind having another two mouths to feed, she always did love cooking for us. And I’ll help, of course. All three of us love cooking, and I’m quite good at it when I’m not high as balls. They don’t really make a lot of mess, and they know to put away their things when they’re done. In fact, I’m probably the messiest in the house. And now I sound like I’m asking to get a dog, not for my kids to move in.” He waves the thought away. “Whatever…… Well? What do you say?”

Luther looks ready to protest, but Diego nails him in the ribs, allowing Vanya to speak, Allison nodding along. “That sounds wonderful, Klaus. Would you mind calling them back down so we can actually meet them?”

Klaus’ face lights up, looking from face to face to see acceptance on everyone’s face except Luther’s, who looks like he’s pouting, and Five, who seems indifferent, which means it’s a majority vote of 3:2. “I’d be happy to!”

He walks through them and up the stairs a bit, drawing in as much air as he can. His siblings cover their ears. “BENJI-BOI! HONEY-LOVES! COME MEET YOUR AUNTS AND UNCLEEESS!”


	6. The slumbering apparitions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hargreeves fam gets some explanations, and the twins fuck with Luther. Also, Five is done with his family's shit and just nopes out with his coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all of the comments! I hope you enjoy! If you have any suggestions or ideas or things that you think are true or might want to see, just comment!

Rapid footsteps are heard, as Lena flings herself around the corner of the staircase, and Finn just jumps down, floating for a second to prevent himself from landing on his Cennend and causing both of them to go splat. 

Lena stops in the middle of the foyer, bending over to brace herself on her knees, panting. “Ha… huh… huh… Ha! I… beat you... ! Take… huh… that!”

Finn smirks, as much as a ten year old can, and lands, walking over to her. He stands over her, sighing, before saying, “Oh, yes, you _did_ beat me. But, the real question is, at what cost?”

At this, he turns and walks over to stand beside his Cenn, who is trying not to laugh-slash-squee at the adorableness of that interaction. Klaus walks over to where Lena is now straightening up, and motions for Finn to come over as well. He turns to face the rest of the family. “Well, if we’re going to do household introductions, shouldn’t Mom be here?”

Diego nods, pointing at him. “Klaus is right, we should have everyone here. I’ll go find mom. Luther, go check upstairs.”

He nods, and they both walk out, splitting up to go find their respective responsible adults. Meanwhile, Klaus, Finn, Lena, and Ben are quietly talking in the middle of the room.

“We found this room,” starts Finn.

Lena continues. “And it looks really nice,” 

“And we think that it might be big enough,”

“For both of us to share.”

They both look up at him, employing the use of Puppy Dog Eyes, and in sync ask: “What do you think?”

He pretends to think about it, hemming and hawing, before looking at them with a sullen and disappointed expression, and crouching down to their level to answer. “I think… that that… is a… WONDERFUL IDEA! It sounds great to me!”

Their faces drop for a second, before they register what he said, and they quickly morph into identical grins. “Really?”

Klaus smiles, hugging them close again, before whispering into their ears, “When have I _ever_ lied to you two? Of course I mean it. If it makes you happy, then who am I to stop you?”

At this perfectly timed, and very touching, statement, Diego walks in, followed by Grace, and looks around, before realizing that Luther isn't there yet, meaning that he beat him. Quietly, one passing, or standing near, might hear him exclaim “Yes!”, under his breath, in joy at beating his brother.

Following this, Luther walks in from the other side, obviously empty handed, seeing as Diego is with their mom. “Well? Everyone's here. Introduce away.”

He makes a kind of shooting motion with his hands, causing Klaus to be momentarily confused by the gesture, before realizing that he was ushering them to get on with it. Silly Luther, don't you know that you can't rush Klaus? Silently, Klaus makes a vow to make this the longest introduction possible, just to annoy Luther. Finn pulls back and turns his head towards his Cennend, picking up on the thought, and quickly informs Lena of the plan. He looks at his Cenn and nods, the evil smile a bit creepy on the 10 year old.

Klaus, oh so slowly, stands up and turns the children around, oh so slowly, patting them a few times before looking up at his siblings and mother, before, oh so slowly, having them introduce themselves.

Finn goes first, purposely slowing his speech and motions down to a snail's pace. “My… name… is… Finn… and… I… am… almost... ten… years… old…”

Lena introduces herself next, mimicking her brother's speech pattern. “And… my… name… is… Lena… and… I… am… also… almost… ten… years… old…”

Finn, smiling, looks directly at Luther, winking, before continuing. “We… have… lived… with… our… Cenn… end… since… birth…”

Lena crosses her arms in front of her over her chest, smirking. “And… we… will… be… con… tin… u… ing… to… do… so…”

Together, they lean forward. “Got it, Uncle Luther?”

Klaus literally jumps for joy, clapping a few times, proud of his children for being sarcastic little shits and dissing Luther. Finn turns around, a confused, yet somehow scolding, look on his face. “Cenn, that’s not a nice word to call someone, never mind _us_.”

Five narrows his eyes, confused. “But your… Cennend… didn’t say anything?”

Finn nods, grinning like the cat that got the canary. “That’s what _you_ think, Uncle Five. But you’re wrong~!”

Klaus just shakes his head, rubbing at his temples as he looks at Lena, who as a similar expression on her face in reaction to her brother’s usual antics. She clears her throat, in preparation for making the actual introductions. Finn, upon hearing this, frowns, but sighs in acceptance.

Finn begins his introduction over again. “My name is Finn Vier, and this is my sister, Lena Vier. We are both almost ten, but we consider ourselves close enough to it to call ourselves of age."

“We have been living with our Cennend, an old English, specifically Anglo-Saxon, term for parent, since the day we were born.” Lena continues, uncrossing her arms as she does so.

“We have both had abilities since birth, some of which we think are yet to be discovered. We have never met our father, and no, we do not care.” Finn smoothly picks up from where she left off.

“Yes, we know about you, and yes, it is through our Cenn. While he did often tell stories that didn’t paint you all in the best light, better ones were mixed in.”

Finn clears his throat, glancing quickly at Luther and Diego, before looking ahead once more, at Vanya. “No, we do not hate you, and we are also not afraid of you. We are just very, _very_ protective of our Cennend.”

“If you don’t hurt him, or insult him,” Here, Lena levels a glare at Diego and Luther, “Then we will not hurt you or insult you in return.”

Five gestures with his coffee. “Thank you for that, uh, _lovely_ introduction and minor bodily threat, but I would like to eat dinner, what about you? Yes? Okay, good.”

Finished, he turns and seemingly walks into thin air, disappearing. Finn and Lena are shocked. “We knew he could do that…” “...but that's soo _cool_!”


	7. That they've come to wake up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner seating arrangements are decided, and Klaus reveals more about how his raising of his own children differs from Reggie Dear's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these chapters are short, and I may rearrange how I split them at some point, but right now, I have to write when my father and stepmother aren't around, so I'm just posting as much as I can. Feel free to comment and offer ideas, constructive criticism, theories, and questions!

They both step forward a bit, staring at where he disappeared from, before turning to their Cennend. “Cenn, do you know where Uncle Five went?”

Lena nudges him gently in the side. “He said that he wanted dinner, so he’s probably in the kitchen. Look, Cennend’s mom is gone too. I wonder what we should call her?”

Finn nods, seeing her logic. “We could ask Cenn? But let’s do that later. I agree with Uncle Five, I’m _hungry_.”

Klaus raises his eyebrows, smiling at their silliness. “You two _do_ realise that I’m still here, right?”

They both turn to face him, their stance and faces replicas of each other. “Yes, but we were having our _own_ conversation, Cenn…”

“...Not one with you, though we do still love you.”

He laughs, shaking his head. “Well, that’s a relief. I was getting worried there for a second.”

Lena reaches out an arm, patting his upper arm, so sincerely saying, “We know. We were clarifying so as to ease your worries.”

Softly laughing in disbelief at their sincerity and concern, Klaus gently guides them into the kitchen, motioning for them to pick a seat. They both choose a place one chair apart each. Klaus crosses his arms and cocks his hip, raising one eyebrow. “And who is that seat for?”

Finn and Lena turn to face each other, both glaring at the other for a few seconds before…

“RPS?”  
“RPS.”  
“Rules?”  
“No abilities. Swear on… chocolate milk.”

Finn gasps in shock. “On chocolate milk? Are you sure?”

Lena nods, dead serious. “Yes. Do you accept the terms?”

Finn’s face changes to a pained look, before going expressionless. “Yes.”

As the kids begin their oh-so-serious game, sorry, _tournament_ , the rest of the Hargreeves' file in behind Klaus, joining him in watching their niece and nephew. Allison leans over to him, watching them tie, over and over again. “What exactly is… _this_ all about?”

Klaus turns his head to the side a bit, eyes still on the match, whispering loud enough for the others to hear. “From a very young age, I realised they had powers. I knew they would eventually get into fights and arguments, so I devised a way to have it come to a peaceful solution, unlike our dear old dad. One states an item or thing that will be the stakes, assuming the other agrees to it. Whoever wins the match gets the choice, last cookie, whatever. Whoever loses the match looses whatever thing they put stakes on for a week, as well as not winning the original subject. If one doesn’t agree, they keep going until they have a common stake. If one of them uses powers, the match is automatically forfeit, no matter who originally won. Right now, the stake is chocolate milk for the next week. Depending on the argument, the stakes will be higher or lower.”

As the explanation ends, Lena breaks the line of ties, winning. “That was 23 with one arm switch, myself as the winner. Looks like no chocolate milk for a week, brother dear.”* 

Finn sighs, looking up to the sky, or in this case, ceiling. “I’m sorry, my dear love. I will see you again someday.”

Sighing again, Finn looks back at Lena. “Choice?”

Lena thinks for a second, turning to face her Aunts and Uncles. “Would you all mind if Uncle Ben sat between us, and Vanya sat next to me?”

They all look at each other. Ben and Vanya both move forward, Ben moving in between them and Vanya moving to the other side of Lena. Finn thinks hard, trying to decide between Cennend’s mom, Diego, and Allison. Finally, he decides on Diego, pointing to him before turning and nodding at his sister. Klaus claps his hands. “Well, looks like that’s decided. Shall we eat?”

Allison turns to him, puzzled. “Eat what? We didn’t ask mom to make any food, and we don’t have anything already made.”

The doorbell sounds as she finishes her sentence, Klaus winking before leaving the room, presumably to get the door. “It’s one of the kids' favorites!”

Finn and Lena lean around Ben to look at each other, both thinking the same thing. “Dim Sum!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *(I just used a random wheel generator for this.)


	8. do do do do do do do do do do do do do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luther is confused, dinner is served, the kids are salty, and love their Auntie Vanya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took forever. My online French class (that I'm failing) is almost over, and I've been attempting to stay more focused on that for the next 3 weeks-ish.
> 
>  
> 
> Will go back and edit this chappie in a bit.

Luther tilts his head, confused. “Dim what?”

Lena turns around part way in her seat to face him. “Dim Sum. It’s a traditionally Chinese dish, consisting of small steamed, or fried, savory dumplings containing various fillings, often served as a snack or main course. There are also other flavors, shapes, fillings and kinds that would normally be eaten as a kind of dessert. Often served alongside are grape leaf wrapped rice balls, though in other countries they use different flowers and leaves, and green tea, such as Jasmine, for example.”

She nods, then turns back around in her seat to begin talking to Ben about how much he had seen of them while they were growing up. Allison, Five, Luther, Vanya, and Diego turn to look at Finn, then Klaus as he walks in, expecting them to explain. Finn just waves it off and turns back to the table, leaving his Cenn to answer as he sets down the food. “Among her abilities are having an amazing memory, as well as being able to pick things up and learn things quickly. I didn’t think to mention it because it’s so normal for us, that we don’t really think about how strange it is until we’re around other people. She absolutely loves learning new… well, _anything_. She’s always picking up new things and learning new things about the world. I try my best to keep her away from the darker bits, but with her intellect and eagerness for knowledge, well, it’s difficult.”

Allison breathes out sharply. “Wow, it seems like there’s a lot that we don’t know about you.”

Klaus just looks her in the eye, and simply says, “Yeah, there is.” Before moving to pour tea for everyone, then himself, successfully ending the conversation.

The other four people standing quickly fill the remaining seats, quietly thanking Klaus as he fills their cup. Once he sets the teapot down, he motions for the kids to choose their pieces of Dim Sum first, before offering it to everyone else. Knowing that they would all likely be eating together, he ordered a shitload, probably enough to feed Luther three or four times over, the monkey man that he is. Hearing Finn start giggling, obviously hearing the thought, he smiles, and picks up his food.

~#~#~#~

The meal is enjoyed in companionable silence, occasionally broken by the odd quiet conversation or two, not even disturbed once by Diego and Luther arguing.

Eventually, as everyone finishes eating, and they begin to clear the table, Klaus turns to his children. “Do you want me to tell the story tonight, or someone else if that’s okay with them?”

They turn together to discuss, Finn having a seemingly one-sided conversation with Lena. They seem to come to a decision, and Finn turns to his Cenn, “Could someone else tell a story tonight? If that’s okay?”

Klaus nods, then turns to his siblings. “Who wants to tell a story to their niece and nephew before they go to bed?”

Surprisingly, Vanya is the one to speak up, slowly raising her hand. “I wouldn’t mind telling them one. I know of a few I could tell.”

Allison looks at her in surprise. “You do? How come?”

Vanya smiles a little, looking up at her. “I wanted to have some stories to tell to Claire, but they’re perfectly fine to tell to Lena and Finn. It’s just generic children’s stories, nothing special.”

Klaus smiles at her, holding up his hand and shaking his head. “No, no, no! That’s perfectly fine.”

He turns to the twins, “Is that okay with you two?”

They both nod. “Alright. Then, let’s go get your stuff and take it up to the room. After you guys are ready for bed, then you can have a story. It’s already 10:00.”* 

The two children nod, glancing at each other briefly, before racing the other to get up the stairs and into their new bedroom. Their giggles and occasional shouts as they get ready, carry down the stairs to reach the adults' ears, causing them to smile at the oddity in the Hargreeves home. 

A few minutes after the sounds quiet down, two sets of feet are heard coming down the stairs, at a normal, human, pace. Soon after, Finn and Lena step around the door frame into view. They both have changed into button-down pajamas, Lena’s a dark yellow, covered in Harry Potter symbols, with owls and lightning bolts, while Finn’s are a dark green, with flowers, trees, and animals on them. They both own different sets of pajamas that reflect what they enjoy. All of their clothes are like that. As mentioned before, Klaus’ goal had been to be _nothing_ Sir Reginald Hargreeves.

Even though he succeeded, he is still constantly afraid that he’s messed up. His siblings doubting his every word and action most certainly doesn’t help. He motions for them to come forward, quietly asking. “Are you guys going to say goodnight to anybody?”

Remaining quiet, as they usually do at home, they nod and go around hugging everyone except Diego and Luther. (They still haven’t apologized, so they don’t get _any_ hugs.) They save Vanya for last, hugging her together, then dragging her behind them and up to their room, Klaus following behind, waving to everyone before passing through the door. 

Klaus first steps in to tuck them in, then motions Vanya to pick a spot to sit. Klaus, himself, chooses to sit on the floor. Vanya moves to sit in the conveniently placed extra-large beanbag by the closet. As she begins her tale of a magical riding cloak, a girl named Little Red, and a disappointed and lonely wolf, the other three members of the room settle down to listen to a nice story, which all three will inevitably fall asleep in the middle of.**

~#~#~#~

Vanya finishes her tale, having looked down at her hands for the last few scenes, as it _is_ quite late, and stands up, turning to her brother, only to find him asleep on the floor next to Lena’s bed. She smiles softly to herself, walking over to where their bags are, and pulls out a blanket and extra pillow. She sets the pillow on the floor, and carefully guides Klaus’ head down to it, gently covering him with the… Minnie Mouse blanket? Shaking her head and smiling again, she straightens up and walks to the door, turning and flicking the light out, before walking down the hall and back to the kitchen to say goodnight herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *(I’m assuming that her concert started around 6-7PM, and Klaus took at least an hour or two to get home, talk to the kids, then get to the house, explain and eat dinner.)  
> ** I wrote this twist-the-story myself for French class, if anyone wants me to put the English version in the story, or as a bonus chapter or something, just tell me!


	9. Here I am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Denny's cannot take the Hargreeves' clan. At all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please offer any ideas for future scenes you want to see for "family bonding time". I have a few in mind, but I would love to hear your guys' ideas! 
> 
> Thank you!  
> ~Angel~

In the morning, Five is the first one down, followed by Luther, then Diego, Allison, the twins (and Ben, though invisible), Vanya, and last, Klaus. Five is already sitting at the table, looking grumpier than normal. A cup of coffee is conspicuously absent from the surface in front of him. He looks up as everyone trickles in, waiting for the last person to be seated and comfortable before: “Alrighty. Everyone get in the car, we’re going to Denny’s for coffee and breakfast. Then Griddy’s for doughnuts.”

Allison, who had been raising her fresh, hot cup of tea to her face, startles, and brings it down slightly, looking at her oldest-yet-youngest brother with a raised eyebrow. “Come again?”

He looks at her, standing up with his hands in his pockets, jumping away with a, “You heard me. Get everyone to cars.”

With the abrupt ending of the conversation, Allison just shakes her head, and resumes drinking her tea. She almost chokes when Five jumps through space right next to her. “Come _on_.”

He leaves again. She slams down her tea, startling everyone out of their early morning daze. “Get up.”

The table just looks at her. “Five just left because we’re going to Denny’s, then Griddy’s, and he has officially ruined the peace and tranquillity of the morning for me with his desperate need for coffee, so I’m ruining yours. Get up. Get into cars. We’re going to Denny’s.”

Luther, who seems like the only one who paid full attention to her rant, raises a hand. “We don’t have enough cars. Just you and Diego have one.”

She slowly turns her head to look at him, a harsh look marring her features. “Then. Get. Into. One. Understand?”

He nods, bringing the rest of his orange juice to his face. He almost drops it when she shouts, “I meant now!” before stalking out of the house. The side door slams, waking the rest of the household up from their daze. 

Klaus throws his head up from where it was resting on the table. “No, officer, the drugs went that way, I’m sure.”

Finn and Lena, both of which are more awake than their Cennend, shake their heads, rolling their eyes in unison at their birthgiver’s antics. They look to Luther, who is standing up after steadying his glass, gently setting it down on the table, before brushing off his astronaut and rocket pajama pants. “Well, you all heard her. Let’s get in the cars.”

Diego groans, along with Klaus, both of them dramatically flopping around, eliciting a quiet chuckle from Vanya, and exuberant giggles from the children. Straightening up physically, Klaus motions for his kids to follow him, Vanya moving to stand with Luther and Grace, who will be going in Allison’s car. Diego groans, since he’s saddled with Klaus _and_ his offspring. Klaus sets off in the direction of Diego’s car, marching ridiculously, his children attempting to copy their Cennend’s silliness.

Scoffing, Diego shakes his head, following after his most eccentric brother and his kids.

 

Standing in front of the car, he sits with his arms crossed, staring at the driver’s seat long enough that Klaus gets bored and gives in, sliding over into the passenger seat. Finally, Diego climbs into the car, starting it and pulling out into the road. Destination: Denny’s.

Klaus reaches forward to change the music, Diego batting his hand away once, twice, three times, before giving in and allowing Klaus to play his… Disney music? He just shakes his head again, focusing on driving, instead of his brother’s strange antics.

Coming to a stop at a stop light, he tunes back in to the conversation going on in the car. Klaus is gesturing wildly towards the backseat, half turned around to talk. Diego pulls him down to sit the right direction with one arm. He’s still talking. “-no, no, no. Waffles are _definitely_ better than pancakes. Ben agrees with me, and I think you two are crazy.”

In the rearview mirror, Diego can see the twins cross their arms in unison. Finn starts talking, allowing him to hear their side of the debate. “And that,” 

Lena’s turn is next. “My dear Cenn,” 

“Is why,” Finn seems to have the shorter pieces of speech, Diego’s noticed.

“You are most definitely,” Lena’s are usually more wordy, or at least longer.

They speak together. “W-R-O-N-G. Wrong!”

Lena continues. “How about this: Pancakes are better with fruit and chocolate, like banana and white chocolate pancakes*(these are the bomb), but waffles are better with syrups and butter and toppings, yeah? Pancakes are better with eggs and sausage, more savory foods, and waffles are better with grits, oatmeal, muffins, and doughnuts, okay? Do you agree or disagree?”

She looks between Klaus and the empty space between her and Finn. She waits a few seconds before asking: “Well?”

Klaus waves his hand, “Hold your horses, hold your horses, Ben’s talking.”

A few more seconds go by, and Diego has to pay attention to the road again, catching the tail end of the decision. “Ben and I have talked it over, and we have decided to cede the win of the argument to you two. You made good points, my dear honey-loves. Good points indeed.”

A few minutes of companionable silence go by after the end of the discussion, only broken by the sound of “I Won’t Say”, from the movie Hercules. As it reaches the chorus, the three mischief makers of the car look at each other, Finn nodding at the thoughts in his family’s heads, confirming the same path of thinking. On the mental count of three, they burst into song, harmonizing, as well as scaring _and_ scarring the crap out of their Uncle Diego. “No chance, no way! I won’t say it, no, no! You swoon, you sigh! Why deny it? Uh ohhh… It’s too cliche, I won’t say I’m in loooovee!”

He swerves for a second, causing Klaus to giggle, “Who’s the bad driver _now_ , huh, Diego?”

Diego just sighs, bowing his head for a second, before looking to the ceiling of the car and begging whatever god there is above for patience with his brother. “Not me, unless you count you three scaring the…. crap out of me!”

He pulls harshly to the side as he turns into the lot, parking the car before pausing in his seat. “Out.”

Klaus climbs out happily, but his children pause. “We’re sorry Uncle Diego.” “We didn’t mean to make you mad.”

He sighs, looking back at them. “You didn’t make me mad, it’s just really dangerous to scare someone while driving. It could cause an accident.”

They nod. “But now, we need to do something to get back at your Cennend, yeah?”

If they remained in the car longer than they should have, Klaus didn’t really notice, thinking that it’s good that they were bonding. He walks inside to sit in the large seater booth with his other siblings. Ben slides in beside him, and Diego and his kids _finally_ enter the restaurant, heading for the table at a leisurely pace. Sitting down, they join in look over the menu with the others, not worrying about their prank until they get home. Soon after they arrive, a waiter comes by to take their orders. “So, what can I get you folks today?”

Luther orders a Lumberjack Slam and orange juice, Allison, a tropical green smoothie, with a coffee. Diego orders a Fit Slam, a stack of pancakes for Ben that he _really_ hopes he can eat. Vanya orders a Jr. Birthday Cake Pancake breakfast, surprising all at the table since she normally goes for bland. Klaus orders the Tres Leches Pancake B-fast, the Salted Caramel & Banana Cream Pancake B-fast, and the Choconana Pancake B-fast for himself and the kids. He is also a responsible and good father, so he orders 6 bowls of seasonal fruit. Grace orders nothing, and Five just orders a black coffee and toast.

With Five staring, waiting to see some sign of judgement about coffee from him, the young, and now terrified, waiter quickly repeats it back and shuffles away, occasionally glancing back in fear. Allison nudges Five. “What?”

Lowering her voice, she scolds him. “You just terrified that poor waiter. Look how young he is, this was probably his first job, and _you were glaring at him_. Look how flustered he was.”

Five scoffs. “Well, _I_ didn’t want him to act like that waiter at Griddy’s, questioning my want for black coffee because of how old I look.”

“Still, that was rude. You should apologize or something at least. Maybe we could just leave a big tip.”

“Fine.”

Conversation picks up at the table, carefully kept quiet as not to bother anyone else at the other tables in the restaurant. The same waiter comes out 15 minutes later with their food and drinks, carefully not looking Five in the eye again. He sets them down, Five’s plate last, then quickly hurries away. Five just rolls his eyes, and starts eating, Klaus raising his eyebrows at his brother’s inattentiveness. 

He leans across the twins, motioning to Diego. Diego leans over, speaking in a harsh whisper. “What?”

Klaus just points to the little slip of paper under Five’s plate. “Looks like someone has an _admirer~_.”

Diego leans back. “Nah, he’s too young looking. The guy could not be attracted to him.”

Klaus nods, tilting his head either direction. “Yes, yes, well, it’s still there.”

Diego shakes his head. “Nah, probably just looking for a friend. Hell, we don’t even know the poor guy’s name.”

Ben leans over, drawing the attention of Vanya, along with the rest of the Hargreeves’ clan. “What are you two whispering about?”

Klaus just looks at the table. “The awesome and fun family bonding activities we’re going to do, of course! What else would we be discussing?”

The rest of the table just groans, and goes back to their own conversations, resolving to tune Klaus out. “ _What?_ We _do_ desperately need some family bonding time. We are probably one of the most dysfunctional families in the world.” 

He notices that no one is paying him any attention anymore, and turns back to his food. “I’m being honest here! We are!”


	10. Composing a burlesque

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five gets someone's phone number, a car is bought, workers are intimidated, and Luther struggles with size.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, it's been a while. But my class ends next week and I'll be able to focus on writing again. (YAY!)
> 
> Once again, please give any comments, questions, concerns, ideas, or scenes you want to see to the word eater at the bottom of the page. Thank you! (Offerings keep it calm, hence my request...)

They finish their food, and the waiter comes back, still not looking at Five again. He takes their plates and empty mugs and cups, leaving just as fast as he came over. Allison nudges Five again. “See! I was right, you terrified him.”

Diego clears his throat. “Uh, well, actually… about that…”

Five and Allison look at him as one. Five, raises an eyebrow. “What.”

“Well, you see…” Diego rubs the back of his neck, uncomfortable. He looks to Klaus to be the blunt one in this situation.

Klaus just sighs and takes the lead. “The guy left his number under your plate. Looks like _we_ will need to be getting _you_ a phone.”

The check is quickly brought over, and Klaus hand over the slip of paper from where he swiped it from under Five’s plate. “See, it has his number, and his name is… Andrew? Aww…”

Five tries to make a grab for it, but Klaus holds it away, noticing that Five is starting to get embarrassed. “Look~, he signed it with a heart… how _cute_. Wait, is little Number Five getting embarrassed?”

Five sits down from where he had been partially on his knees, leaning with his hands on the table. “Just shut up and give it back.”

Klaus opens his mouth to make another jibe, but twin looks of disappointment from Vanya and Lena make him pout and hand it back, arms now crossed over his chest. “Fine.”

They bring the check up to the counter as a group, all 10 of them. The waitress at the counter just blinks for a second, before ringing up their check, sighing and shaking her head slightly. They pay, and walk back to the cars, standing outside for a second. “We need to get a bigger car.”

Five turns to Luther with the most peculiar look on his face. “I think, that that was one of the most intelligent things I have ever heard you say.”

Diego snorts, attempting to cover it up as a cough, and failing. Luther looks at him, offended. Diego clears his throat. “Well, I know a place. It’s about a 5 miles away. Follow my car.”

With that, he walks over and climbs in, motioning for Klaus and crew to do the same. Luther struggles to climb into Allison’s car, and Five, Vanya and Grace slide into the back. As Diego pulls out, Allison starts the car to follow him.

~#~#~#~

Pulling into the parking lot side by side, the family climbs out, slamming the doors shut. Five repeatedly hops ahead of the group and back again, all the way up until they get to the actual building, where he just jumps inside, scaring the shit out of the three sales people. The rest of the family files in, Luther struggling to fit through the doors. The woman by the wall lowers her sunglasses in shock, not believing what she’s seeing. The Hargreeves’ _do_ make quite a sight. With what looks to be 3 children, one homeless person talking to thin air, a movie star, a guy flipping knives, two small women, and a gigantic ape-man, one would be quite shocked. 

One guy walks forward, moving out from behind the desk. “Uh, hi…”

He shakes himself off, slipping into “service mode”. “Hi, my name is Sam, how can we help you today?”

Luther clears his throat twice, three times. “Uh, you see, we’re uh, in the market for uh…”

Diego steps forward, pushing in front of Luther. “What my brother is trying and failing to say is, that we are looking to get a 15 passenger van. Preferably white.”

The sales guy, Sam, blinks, he and his co-workers obviously doing a mental count of the people in front of them. “Uh, yeah, sure… we’ll get looking. Have a seat while you wait.”

He motions to the seats behind them, and they turn to look. Five jumps over, Luther and Diego scramble to get there first. Klaus skips over, followed by Lena and Finn. Vanya just calmly walks over with Allison, trailed by Ben and Grace. Time passes slowly. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. Thirty. Forty-five. An hour. 

An hour and a half after they arrived, Sam hurries over, frantically apologizing. “I’m so, so sorry. Our systems haven’t been working correctly recently, so we had to go search through all of the cars manually. The car is out front, white, as you requested.”

They follow him out the door. The other two salespeople are sitting in the car. He motions for them to climb out, taking the keys. “Now, which one of you would like to drive it first?”

Allison steps forward. “Since only two of us can legally drive, I will go first, then Diego.”

The two take turns, before climbing out again. “The only problem we have is if _he_ will fit in the car.”

Diego motions to Luther. The woman gulps. “Well that’s… fine. Go ahead and try it out, sir.”

He slinks forward, as much as a man of his size can, and slowly climbs into the back of car, eyes shut tight, flinching in on himself at every creak and shift of the vehicle. After a few slow, slow minutes, he successfully slides into the far seat, taking up two for his own. The rest of the family climbs in, moving to the back first. After everyone is in comfortably, Allison climbs in, then climbs out again, motioning for the rest of the van to climb out again. Three to five minutes later, the van is empty, and they are all standing up in front of it. Allison turns and follows the sales people back inside, the rest of the H-Gang following after her. She passes over her card to pay, causing all of her siblings to protest. She levels them with a Look™ and continues to finish up the transaction.

The large group eventually goes and sits down again, as Allison and Diego figure out the insurance and other technical stuff that I don’t know about because I bike, walk, carpool, and use public transport everywhere. As they go back to the car, they realise that they have a problem. They took two cars here. Which means… “Cenn, who’s going to drive it?” “Cennend, can _we_ drive the car?” “Ooh, what about Uncle Ben?” “Yeah, can _he_ drive it?”

Klaus just sighs, and squats down. “The answer, to all of those questions, is no.”

“What about Ashie? Could Ashie drive it?” Lena and Finn start tugging on his clothes, in the way completely and utterly mature ten-year-olds would, of course.

He scoops them both up, standing and following his family to the other cars. They’re leaving Luther here to guard the Van. “No. Well, I mean, yes, they _could_ drive it, but the question is if I want to risk our friendship by having them meet the family in order to ask them as much.”

Lena leans over to stage-whisper. “Is it because you’re in _love_ with her? Because that’s okay, we understand.”

Finn nods sagely, “Yeah, we definitely don’t want you to mess that up.”

Klaus scoffs, bouncing them to keep them on his hips, “ _What?_ I am offended! Why would you think that _I_ would be the one to mess it up?! I’ll have you know that _I’m_ a perfect saint!”

The twins look at eachother. A heartbeat passes. They both burst out in giggles, drawing the attention of the family and making them smile.


	11. A/N I PROMISE IM NOT DEAD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't updated in a while, but I haven't had time to actually write since school time, which is ironic. I am planning of setting aside some time if possible, so don't worry! I am coming back! It just might be a while. I will attempt to update before next month, but no promises. :/

SORRY MY DUDES


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